in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Randomize
