omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
it was like eating out sand paper
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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