wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Randomize
