Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
