I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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