I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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