Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
