He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize