Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
