Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
