Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
