I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
