I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I CAN MOONWALK!
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
