Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Im part way to drunk.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
