If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
