someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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