So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
