Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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