I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just threw up on my dentist
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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