He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
