I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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