After last night, I could never be a politician.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
