we have pet lesbian snakes
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
