If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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