Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
