She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
