i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
