oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
