i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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