You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
