Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
