So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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