I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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