I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
