I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
