I'm eating all of the evidence.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
