Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
