Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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