Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
