I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
