Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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