obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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