I think my fart just growled at me.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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