happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
