I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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