please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize