I wish my penis had an off switch
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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