I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
