oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
