did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
