I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
