Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
