My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
