Yo dont text me then not text me
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
