Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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