im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
