alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
