o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
