So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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