this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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