Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
